Tomorrow is Asher's first birthday party. It's unreal to think that in a few short days, he will be one! He is such a funny, sweet, sensitive child. He cries if people are too loud. He loves his sister more than any person on this earth. He likes feeding himself with a fork.
His favorite toys are things with wheels, and he blows raspberries while pushing them. He adores women; the older, the better, and will smile his fantastic, slow smile at them in stores or at the park.
Ash is my rainbow baby, conceived after 3.5 years of trying when I had practically given up on having a second child. The heartbreak of hoping and then being crushed every month was extremely wrenching. When he was conceived, I felt sure that something would happen that would end this dream as well, since I felt like I've been thwarted at every turn.
Infertility is a strange beast. You feel so alone throughout your journey, and I personally felt like such a failure. This is what my body was made to do, so why wasn't it just doing it already?! My daughter was going to be all alone when we died. My brother doesn't think he wants kids, and Robbie's brother is childless in his mid-30s, so for all we knew, she would have no biological cousins.
I say biological because Robbie is blessed with a very fertile set of stepsiblings, and so we have 11 nieces and nephews on that side. But I digress. There was an underlying fear that if something happened (gods forbid) to Elodie that I would have no reason to continue with living. I think that's a fairly normal fear. At least, I have friends who have confirmed that it was also a fear of theirs.
When Asher was born, his little form somehow pulled Robbie, Elodie and I closer. He became this point around which our family pivots, and I think all of our lives are more enriched and fulfilled just by being touched by him.
Seeing Asher and Elodie form a bond that is so doting and loving melts my heart into a puddle. Watching how Robbie loves and cares for his son makes me so sure I married the right man. And most of all, being Ashers mommy, allowing him to wrap me around his middle finger, and allowing myself to let down my walls and feel all the love I have for him coursing through my body is so overwhelming and raw. Part of me still feels awe that he's here, that he's ours. I still pinch myself and wonder if it's real.
First birthday party madness ensues tomorrow. It will probably be my last first birthday, so I will have to revel in the very firstness of it all.
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