Yesterday my dad called. He had spoken to Cailey's stepdad, Rob. I guess they had a small family-only funeral service, and will later be having an invite-only memorial. I will be invited.
Sometimes it doesn't seem real, that her life is just over. That she is no longer in mine. Being an atheist, I don't believe in reincarnation or an afterlife. That's hard in times like these, but by the same token, I'm not nearly as afraid of death now than before I accepted my eventual demise. I believe religion is largely based in fear of death, and by accepting death for what it truly is, one can begin to live the best life possible.
Still, there has already been a few times today when I find my airway tightening at the thought of dying. I miss my friend.
I think my biggest fear, however, is losing one of my own children. The natural progression is to lose grandparents and parents. Losing contemporaries is also normal later in life. But to lose a child...just the thought sends my pulse racing. What would I do? How would I continue?
A friend of mine is marking the one year anniversary of her daughter's death today. Her life was short, but brilliant, shiny and inspiring. The shortest lives do seem affect us, as humans, more. By the same token, I am a firm believer that it is not about how long a person lives, but how they live it.
Perhaps short lives seem more shiny because they don't experience enough monotony to dull. Perhaps we remark on how tragic short lives are because we rely on the younger among us to remind us what it means to see wonder in everything around us.
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